Be warned, SPOILERS AHEAD, so if you haven’t seen the film and want to make me happy, keep reading.
I’ve received a flood of correspondences about Christopher Nolan’s new film The Dark Knight Rises. There seem to be a lot of questions about various aspects of the film. Xander, please answer this, Xander, please answer that. I will solve these mysteries for you and you will no longer be confounded by this film that clearly makes perfect sense.
Can you explain the backstories of the new characters?
Well, Bane got his face ripped off and now wears a mask that stops that from hurting. He got the mask from . . . um . . . well . . . and it works by . . . uh . . . and now he wants to destroy Gotham because that will kill him and everyone in the city because that will give the power back to the people (who are now dead). And all because he loves Talia because she’s . . . well, she’s Marion Cotillard.
Catwoman, Selina Kyle, likes to steal stuff, so she’s started stealing for Bane, because he’d be sure to contact a petty thief, and of course she’d want to steal for no face man. And she’s really good at fighting because she trained at . . . um . . . and he found her because she’s . . . well . . . she also potentially lives/hangs out with/talks to/is in love with a random blonde girl who also steals and she’s important because . . . she’s important because . . . there were no other blonde women in the film.
Why did the only major female characters both betray Batman?
Because Christopher Nolan wants us to know that women are weak and can’t be trusted. And in the particular case of Talia, if you give women power (making her the CEO of a company for instance) they will fail you and stab you in the ribs. He’s really a prophet of our times.
Why did Catwoman and Batman fall in love?
Well, clearly because she betrayed him. I mean, then he got his back broken and was locked in a mysterious prison for several months. Isn’t that always the way we fall in love? Pretty consistent with my romantic interests.
Where is the underground prison?
Somewhere east. Couldn’t you tell by the desert and foreign looking buildings. I like to call it Foreignstan.
When Batman gets out of the prison there’s a town in the background, doesn’t that sort of not make the prison secret?
You would think, but that town in the background is actually a town of completely blind people, so they actually have no idea that there’s a prison there. This also explains why no one has ever just dropped a rope down into the completely unguarded and open air prison to help the people out.
How did Batman get from [Foreignstan] to Gotham so quickly if he had nothing?
Well, he walked to the blind people town and asked if anyone would drive him to the airport, and then he borrowed a thousand dollars from one of them to pay for his plane ticket. Then he shaved on the plane and put on his eyeliner so that he’d be ready to put on his batman cowl as soon as he got home.
How is the underground prison in [Foreignstan] able to get American cable news?
Didn’t you hear Bane’s comment that he grew up in hell. Well, there’s your answer. Not sure how they wired that place though, must be a bitch trying to get service from the cable company!
Why did the guard blow the bridge when Blake tried to walk across it?
Because that’s what a reasonable guard would do. Blow one of the only remaining routes out of the city for millions of people because of one man who simply wasn’t going to stop calmly and slowly walking forward. What would you suggest? That he send a guard out to halt him or shoot him and stop him dead in his tracks, don’t be ridiculous!
Wouldn’t fixing a broken back by hitting the person in the back and tying them up to full body sling, as the guy does for Batman, not work at all?
I’m going to break my own back and get back to you on this one. My vote? It will probably work!
Who are those other people in the prison and why are they important?
Make up your own story. I like to call the one guy who spoke in another language, Geoff. They’re important because people speaking in foreign languages are scary.
Did having Talia stab Batman reduce Bane’s threat throughout the whole film, making him sort of irrelevant and serving no other purpose in the film than to be hired muscle?
Yes, yes, it did. Look, if you wanted a character that really had a point and a satisfying arc other than ‘I loved you from when you were a child so that’s why I’m so angry and I’ll do anything you say’ go watch a Stanley Kubrick film or something. You get basic motivations and then sometimes not even that here, and that’s what makes it wonderful for everyone.
Why did Ra’s Al Ghul appear to Batman in a vision?
What kind of great movie would this be without a spontaneous expository hallucination? Because without it how would Batman and the audience have figured out who Bane is and then Talia. Classic film-making, explain it with a hallucination!
Why was Blake a suitable heir to take over the Batman job?
Well, he’s very curious. Also, he told those children to get back on a bus so they didn’t have to be frightened when the nuclear bomb was about to explode. That’s what Batman would do. And because Batman had spent all of 35 minutes with him (you know since he’d been in a prison in Foreignstan for half the film and hadn’t really gotten to know him well) that’s how you pick candidates for important jobs. And he’s very good looking.
Is there an agenda with this film?
Yes, Christopher Nolan wants us all to know that if anyone stands up to authority, or criticizes wall street, or financial institutions, or the city’s governments, or tries to take power back for the people, then they are obviously terrorists and will blow up your football stadiums. All city police forces are morally sound and totally just. Clearly the liberal and progressive message that Nolan ascribes to . . . oh wait . . .
Why was every single scene scored with overwrought dramatic music?
Because if it wasn’t, how would you know what to feel silly billy?
Why was the majority of the film about Bruce Wayne needing to climb a wall?
Because it’s a Batman movie! Do you know nothing? The best thing to do in a Batman movie is take Batman out of the action and out of his costume for 60% of the film, put him in a place that has no logic and nothing to do with anything, and let him rot. They really should have called this “Batman: The Most Batman Movie About Batman Ever: The Batman Movie”.
How did Bruce Wayne know what cafe to go to so that Alfred would see him at that moment at the end of the film?
How did Bruce Wayne get to the country where Alfred is at the end of the film, and have a new suit, and look so well off, if he left all his money to Alfred and was last seen blowing up in his bat plane?
Well, he’s with Catwoman now who was rich . . . oh wait, no . . . well she steals, so they’re criminals actually, sort of defying everything he’s lived his life for to this point. Sad, but true.
What was Nolan trying to go for with Bane’s voice and mask?
Well, the first thing you learn in film school is cover up a person’s mouth and most of their face, because since that’s the area of expression, we don’t need to see that on film for the character to be understood. And as far as the voice is concerned, I believe he was going for a really drunk and excited James Mason with a cold. You know, just like Christian Bale’s Batman voice sounds so good.
Is Christopher Nolan a genius?
Yes, if someone can sell movies that have no dramatic structural integrity, completely undeveloped characters, an utter disregard for logic, warped agendas counter to what the individual actually suggests they believe, emotionally manipulative tricks of film, socially perverse suggestions about gender, and still have people suggest they’re brilliant, then how else would you qualify the individual?
I hope this helps us all understand like everyone else that Dark Knight Rises is the greatest film made in the history of every film that was ever made, ever.